The Biopic

INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

A lonely coffin stands open in a stark, white room with a floral wreath resting on an easel nearby. Inside the coffin is an OLD MAN wearing a tuxedo.

MATTHEW (V.O.)

I am happy to tell you that this is not me. I would like to tell you that this was a good man.

BEGIN FLASHBACK:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

OLD MAN is shaking hands with a poorly dressed man while handing him a large sack with a dollar sign on the side. Both men wear large smiles.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

And maybe he was. You see the first time I saw Patrick...

END FLASHBACK:

INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

A preacher and congregation have been added to the stark room.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

...was at his funeral. But I'm sure he was a great guy.

An choir of angels materializes behind the preacher. A bright, angelic glow surrounds the choir.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

I was asked by the granddaughter, a friend of mine, to sing at the funeral.

The angelic glow fades and the "angels" turn into ordinary singers dressed in concert attire.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

And I am certainly glad I said yes.

EXT. FUNERAL HOME - A HOUR EARLIER

A sleek black car pulls up and parks in front of the funeral home.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

Because the funeral was also the first time I met Mindy.

The car door opens and out steps MINDY (26). Imagine the most attractive woman on the planet and you'd be on the right track of describing her.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

Turns out that Mindy was also singing at the funeral. Best funeral I've ever been to.

INT. MATTHEW'S HOUSE - LATER

MATTHEW (25), Mindy, and several other choir members are playing board games around a large table.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

After the funeral we went over to my place for games and refreshment.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Matthew, Mindy, a couple choir members and several others sit around a table eating, laughing and having a good time.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

Shortly thereafter Mindy and I went on a date...

Matthew puts his arm around a girl, not Mindy, and a CHOIR BOY (27) puts his arm around Mindy.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

...just not with each other. At least not yet.

INT. MATTHEW'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Matthew and Mindy are sitting on a couch, watching a movie and holding hands.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

After a few months I realized the error of my ways and asked Mindy out on a proper date.

INT. MATTHEW'S HOUSE - ANOTHER NIGHT

Matthew and Mindy are dancing in the living room while a movie plays in the background.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

Shortly thereafter we enjoyed our first dance...

Matthew draws Mindy closer and gently kisses her on the lips.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

...and our first kiss.

Matthew and Mindy smile at each other. They kiss again.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

... and our second kiss.

INT. MATTHEW'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Mindy sits on the couch solving a Rubik's Cube. Matthew sits on the ground watching.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

And it wasn't too long before I decided to ask her a question.

Mindy finishes solving the Rubik's Cube and the pieces fall apart revealing an engagement ring.

Matthew gets onto one knee, picks up the ring, and slips it onto Mindy's finger. They hug and then kiss.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

The day before we were married was the last day I lived at my folks' house.

EXT. MATTHEW'S HOUSE - DAY

Matthew and Mindy drive away in a decorated car that says "Just Married" on the back windshield.

MATTHEW (CON'T)

And life is good.

FADE OUT:

Bear Stories

New York was a wild place back then, and so was William's Tavern. See Willie and I had grown up near each other and often would get the other in or out of some sort of mischief. But the worst was the summer of 1628. It was common in those days to have the young men spend some time up in the hills to trap fur to make blankets and clothing and such, not to mention the meat and lard. I was a pretty good tracker for my age, but when it came to killing, nobody could best Willie Preston.

Anyway, 1628 Willie and I went up to the hills looking for deer or elk. About the third or fourth day we came across some massive tracks. I figured they had to be a bear since nothing else I knew of could leave tracks that big. Willie and I talked it over and decided that we could only spend 2 days on the bear before heading back for supplies. We were doing just fine until we were hit by a freak tropical storm. At the time we were sure that God himself was unleashing his full wrath down on us. It wasn't half an hour before we lost the trail as well as any sense of where we were.

After stumbling around for an hour, we came across a cave that could keep us from getting too much wetter. Willie started work on a fire while I surveyed our surroundings and started hunting for any clues as to where we were. It wasn't too long before I noticed the stench of death on my tongue. I tried getting Willie's attention, but it was too late.

A large flame erupted and doused the cave in a ball of yellow light, illuminating a massive, 24 foot bear, swiping his paw in full fury. Willie never did stand a chance. I got lucky. I never did tell his folks exactly how Willie died. I just couldn't bear it.

The Microwishologist

"Where now? Who now? When now?" Gerald gasped as he regained consciousness. The last thing he remembered was having tea in his aunt's garden room. Suddenly, BAMM! Everything went dark. As soon as Gerald had asserted that he was, in fact, still alive, he began searching for clues. This, of course, was easier said than done. Gerald was blind. He couldn't quite recall when exactly he had gone blind, but he seemed to think that it had been quite some time ago. If you were to ask him, his response would probably have sounded something like this: "Oh, quite some time ago."


For the record, Gerald's aunt, whose name was Gertrude, was not really his aunt. For starters, she wasn't human. She was 1/2 Jinn and 1/2 Gnome. She had served many years as a microwishologist and was hoping to finally get inducted into the Jinn's Guild of Wishologists. But Gerald did not know that the microwishologist he thought was his aunt had actually caused his current situation.


As Gerald began trying to identify his surroundings, he became aware of another body lying close to his. He could tell by the curves that the body belonged to a female. The fact that there was no movement, save the slow and steady breathing, allowed Gerald to deduce that she was asleep. He'd like to ask her a few questions but hated the thought of awakening her.


Gerald continued his examination of his surroundings and was able to deduce the following facts: 1) He and the girl were in a mostly empty room with a single door locked from the outside. 2) The light swaying of the room indicated that they were either on a ship or in the middle of a storm.


Just then a light burst on to reveal the aunt who was not his aunt. She was accompanied by a group of odd looking creatures and all were dressed like they were heading to a Harry Potter convention. Gerald, ignoring the fact that he had previously been convinced that he was blind, stared incredulously at the aunt who was not his aunt and seemed to notice for the first time that she did not quite look human.


"Where now? Who now? When now? What in the name of Sam Hill is going on here?" Gerald shouted. One of the strange wizards stepped forward, turned to address the other wizards, and, ignoring Gerald's outburst, began to speak.


"We award the candidate seven points for successful granting of the wish, nine points for creativity and adaptability, and ten points for the ravishing young woman. Unfortunately the wisher must be made aware of the assignment prior to grantation. Disqualified."


Gerald's aunt who was not his aunt rushed forward. "But I did explain," she cried. "I even asked him to write a letter of consent." At this she produced a hand-written note and gave it to the wizard. After a brief examination, the wizard approached Gerald and handed him the note. It said this:

I, Gerald Miller, do hereby grant the lady microwishologist, Gertrude Harker, full access to my wishes and furthermore allow her to grant any wish of my choosing.

Gerald Miller

P.S. - I have short-term memory loss and will most likely not recall this note or it's contents.

Gerald studied the note a bit longer and then surveyed the room. The wizard snapped his fingers and the whole company disappeared leaving Gerald alone with the stirring young woman. And Gerald remembered, for the first time, where he was.

A House Divided

Knowing that there is more than one way to make soup, I decided to move out. The intricacies of the whole situation are too complex to outline here, but I must say that the decision was for my own well-being. The regulations of the society wherein I resided were such that without relocation to a new geographical area there was no way to move. But I was worn-out, tired of the life rut I found myself in. My situation was such that I couldn't relocate, but I was suffocating where I was.

In addition, I knew things. Secret thing, word-of-mouth things, personal things. How does one fit in with a group they know so much about? I was a wheeler-dealer, a Salvation Army volunteer who stood in front of a grocery store at year-end. You may smile and make light chit-chat. But do you have and intentions of inviting them home for dinner?

Such was my position. And such was my dilemma. Unable to leave. Unable to stay. And so, after many months of pleading and planning, Management gave the green light. The loop-hole could be exploited, an exception could be made. I could live in one place and move to another.

And here I reside, in a beautiful home with a wonderful wife. The decision I made to follow the recipe in my own was has proven to be the greatest choice of my life.

Spoonerisms

A crushing blow. That was how it ended. Whether it was the fowl's pride or the foul cheese that fell harder, no man can say. You see, that's the problem with investing so much into a wicker basket, as the saying goes. Spread the eggs around a bit, if you will pardon the pun. Birds and eggs and all. See, once you got yourself some real pretty eggs stored up, some feller might come along and smash your basket, so to speak, just cause you've got yourself a couple too many eggs more than you aught.

And that's what happened here just now. That bird out there has taken to singing quite pretty like. The wife began paying in cheese for private performances, just the two of us. Three if you count the dog. A few more than that if you count the cattle and chickens. Anyhow, we was just ending one of these performances so to speak, when I guess old Butler got a hankering for some of that cheese the wife was giving the performer. Gouda or some other cheese smells like it came out the wrong end of a dairy cow if you catch my drift.

Now I never accused Butler of having a particularly high functioning brain, but what I just saw him do just may make me reconsider. So this bird is snacking away at his payment when Butler starts whimpering at the bird. Like the kind of whimpering that he gives when he wants an encore or needs to go outside to take care of some personal business.

Well that bird, in my opinion, had invested too much into singing and felt some notion to give another performance. Soon as she opened her beak, there goes the cheese and there goes Butler. And now I'm left sitting here with the wife and a blushing crow.

Weirdest Dream Ever...

I was in my usual hunting attire which, for some reason was full plate armor complete with a large shield and a spear (don't ask). I was tracking my prey through a dimly lit glade covered in tall grass with sporadic pockets of densely packed fir trees. I didn't really know what I was hunting, but I sensed that I was getting close.

I was darting from one patch of firs to another with all the stealth of a jungle cat which seemed to make sense at the time but it really shouldn't have considering the suit of armor. As I was about to make another silent dash towards another pocket of fir trees I caught a glimpse of another knight behind me, just barely ducking out of sight. I knew by the colours he bore that he was an enemy. It appeared that the hunter was being hunted.

Gathering all my strength and will power, I dashed the remaining 100 yards to a secret alcove beneath one of the large bushes. To my great surprise, there was my prey; a large badger. Even more surprising was the fact that he was wielding a pair of double-barreled paintball guns. I also noticed that the spear I carried was dripping with paint at the tip.

The Badger gestured to a sign hanging on the wall which read, "Out of Season." Beneath this sign was a picture of the badger along with an old picture of me in high school. Also on the wall was a sign indicating that the enemy knight I had seen only moments ago was in season. With a silent nod the badger and I joined forces and sped from the alcove to pursue our prize.

As we approached his vile lair, the badger and I shouted our battle cry, "To Ancient days of Yore!" We rounded the final corner- and stopped...

Out of breath and dripping with sweat, face to barrel with a paintball cannon. The explosion caused me to jerk awake. Weirdest dream ever!

10 October 3010

Personal Log

After a long and laboriously boring briefing with General Beckman, I was able to successfully negotiate (aka-bribe) my way out of the galaxy.While it is true that I have now spent the last 10 years in  a cryogenic sleeping pod in the cargo bay of an otherwise unmanned space shuttle, I had not choice. I had to get out of there. Night after night of countless requests: "Will you help me with my hair?" "How does my makeup look?" "Does this dress make me look fat?" Being the only former fashion critic in the corps is a nightmare! And Beckman is the worst! Always calling me into her office to discuss the "Operation." I had to leave.

"Officially" I am doing recon for a new Alpha site just in case the war efforts turn south. "Unofficially" I am looking for a nice place to run away with General Beckman. Secretly I am retiring. I figure I've got enough food to last me several years. In a couple weeks I will radio back that there was an accident and I need more supplies. If Beckman asks, I will simply explain that the planet is slightly radioactive and that the meds I'm taking to counteract the radiation is causing an intense increase in my metabolism.

Eventually I'll "discover" that there was a leak in the cryogenic chamber that combined with the delta waves from the wormholes. The combined radiation has created a radiation cloud increasing at an alarming rate. According to my calculations the entire planet will be consumed within a couple years. There's really no hope to rescue me. The only thing they can do is make occasional supply drops for the next 25-50 years.

The result: 25-50 years to myself on a tropical alien beach with no one to ask me about their clothes, makeup, or implants. I cannot think of a happier retirement.

End Log

The Beginning

We the writers of text, in order to form a more perfect story, establish characters, insure audience acceptance, provide for the universal enjoyment, promote the happy(ish) endings, and secure the blessings of laughter to ourselves and our audiences, do establish this blog for the literate people of the world...

As long as they speak English or have access to a translator.

PS - Thanks Neubauer.